You are Never Alone With Yourself!
(Just a quick bit of info, obviously from my own experiences, as I know it can be different for others, depending on their personal situations.)
Most people, including me, feel something greatly missing when not in a relationship. In my younger, show biz days, it was made worse by the men who literally 'stalked' and would not take my NO that I did not want to go out with them. Being a professional dancer, (not a stripper, but a real dancer) actually made me need to choose the best of the men around at the time, and try to make a go of it with them, so they could keep the other men away from me. I gave each relationship as long as I could, hoping to be able to settle down, as there is nothing worse than to keep having to describe one's life and previous relationships to an inquiring new partner.
It was always horrid, as no matter how I tried to answer without hurting them, it certainly did cause them to be jealous, even when I talked about the common-law-husband I had, who was murdered over an argument regarding me. Also, I hated having to get used to a new man, in the physical sense. Probably has something to do with the rapes I went through in the past, where I lost so much respect for men, even though I knew they must not all be tarred with the same brush.
In relationships, arguments would always erupt. I remember the many times we had to try and 'communicate' to make a kind of peaceful atmosphere. Most men seem to put their heads in the sand, rather than bringing a relationship problem into the open. I found this highly annoying and even worse than the time ‘wasted’ in trying to get the men to discuss the problem. I hated all the times we had to discuss the relationship with what is acceptable and what isn’t, but this seems necessary on entering a new relationship.
As I am such a free spirit, the men had a particular problem with me, although it was not in me liking other men too much, as I was never a flirt. Men can be so darn bad about airing their true feelings and think it macho to hide them most of the time. Some men have to be forced into communication and for the discussion to last long enough to have some kind of good result. So many hours wasting what could have been creative time!
Of course in the heat of it all, many people say what they don't mean, but in my case I always said how I truly felt, (having been annoyed at them making me feel annoyed in the first place) and telling the truth, (instead of skirting around it) should NOT have been the case, as it was unnecessarily cruel. But, they made me mad enough not to be as considerate as I could and should have been, and of course I regretted my actions later.
No-one should feel like a failure, because a relationship did not work out. Some will try to make it work, others will not have tried hard enough. It all depends on the situation and how confident that person feels at the time. Personalities and strong character evolves with age and suffering, or experiencing the suffering of others. This enables us to choose the kinder and wiser words to use in a confrontation. If a relationship or marriage does not work out, I feel the blame cannot be placed on either one side.
If, as in my past cases, (two husbands being alcoholics) and finding out that I could not change them into behaving as regular individuals, it was not their fault, but mine for thinking I could ‘save’ them. (How big-headed is that?) And, if they were impotent, I knew about that too. Could they help not appreciating me enough to change? No. If they cannot change to make a better life for themselves, how can they change for anyone else? So, the blame cannot be placed on either partner.
However, the guilt that one feels for not ‘saving’ a worthwhile person from a life of hell, stayed with me enough to marry an alcoholic the second time, in the hope to achieve what I failed at the first time. It caused needless suffering all round and my feeling a ‘failure’ again, which now I see was not really that at all. The failure was in me not accepting the man for all he was, warts and all. And, of course, no man/woman can show enough love to a woman/man if he is an alcoholic, and so the long-suffering partner makes themselves believe this person is worth their love, as they imagine the alcoholic as they could be, or could have been, without the alcohol turning them into a monster.
As for those whose relationships dissolve due to unfaithfulness and disloyalty, the signs would have been there from the start. If a person has a tendency to appreciate only the opposite sex, and not the same values in their own sex so much, there is a problem. If someone is truly in love with you, they will not be attracted enough to others, in the way their feeling become sexual enough to carry out the dastardly deed of disloyalty and unfaithfulness.
Being ‘in love’ means also being satisfied with the partner on all accounts, including their physical attractiveness. I have heard all this stuff about a man thinking about sex every 10 seconds, but who is to say that is not to do with the partner they already have. It does not have to mean thoughts of a stranger, as no matter what kind of sexual appeal is flaunted in front of them, should make them feel like being too intimate or personal with each new sexy person they see. No, I believe men have had bad press here.
Some are really fussy, and some just have bravado, in wanting others to think they have so much testosterone, (or, female hormones if a woman) that they need to have sex with anything remotely sexual looking. The ones trying to prove themselves to be overly sexual, would fall over themselves and not be able to speak any sense when left alone in a sexy person’s company! But, in company, they suddenly have all the bravery and comments! All women worth their salt know this and those men are making fools of themselves. However, the ones who do stray, whilst still living with their partners, do not have a conscience, and this means other areas of their lives will also be adversely affected! They are baddies!
The point I was making is; To enjoy the beauty of other people, men and women, is perfectly natural. It is always pleasurable to look at beautiful people, pictures, and places. It is all art to be appreciated. But, other feelings toward human beauty should be quietly controlled, especially, if one is in a relationship and it means being disloyal. Dignity is important, and so is caring about the feelings of the one who loves you. So, on this premise, when a partner is unfaithful and the outcome is a separation, or divorce, the blame is not on the person who failed to ‘keep’ their partner. It is the fault of falling in love with the wrong person, which sometimes is beyond a mere mortal’s control.
It is up to every individual to keep themselves, in as good a nick as possible. Physical condition, shape, and grooming. Body shapes can be changed if they have become to look like a bag of potatoes. Hard work and discipline for some, but it will be worth it to feel good about one’s self. It also shows a respect for the person you are with. Age is not an excuse, as you can see by looking at my weight lifting husband, and me, both of us over fifty! Well, okay, I'm fifty-nine, do not tell anyone! There is no excuse for not having the time, for time can be made for the important things.
So, if you as a partner have done the most in keeping the body maintained, and still the other one ‘wanders’ they are just NOT the right person for you, and you are not to blame yourself for being a failure. The only failure you might be, is to yourself, in not maintaining a lovely looking, body exterior to that wonderful spirit you possess. They both should complement each other.
As for living alone, and feeling the desperate need to find a partner so you can feel ‘whole’ is so sad. A person is ‘whole’ just because they are an evolved spirit. We only think we need to depend on someone else, to have someone to run to when things get bad. Look inside yourself for the strength and you will find it. When being alone, don’t think it a stigma. Enjoy every moment and be as creative as possible. After all, most creative pursuits are anti-social, as in learning to play an instrument, or practising singing using tape recorders to assess improvement. Writing songs, and of course, just WRITING your heart out. Use all the emotion in you to write articles, on all the subjects personally experienced. In this way, you will see the alternatives to feeling as badly as you think you feel. You do not need to ‘heal,’ you just need to accept and move on.
I have been virtually married 11 times. 6 were common-law-husbands, so that is the same as 10 divorces, (I am still married to my fifth actual husband, five years now). All separations were extremely painful, as at the time, those men were exclusively in my life and we had to separate our property also. From the first marriage, (also my first ever boyfriend) at my age of 18 yrs, adding up the actual times I spent living with a man, 30 yrs and 6 months. This makes it 10 years living entirely on my own.
I did not then succumb to a partner that from the outset looked a bad match, and I only went out for dinner, with NO STRINGS attached, with various decent, women-respecting men. Some became friends, others became acquaintances. I did not sleep around, and believe me, when you can go for a year of chastity at a time, you can go for a lot more. There are other ways to direct sexual energy which are just as satisfying, if not more.
Incidentally, my first husband contacted me recently, through my website, and I have been able to fill in some gaps for him. It was my doing, not his, and the reasons for me leaving him are only now making sense and allowing him to move on properly. (Discussion is so important.)
The pleasure of living alone means there is far more time to enjoy the company of all your friends, without leaving anyone out. Freedom can be a wonderful thing and I appreciated every moment of it. Until now, when I have a husband who is around me in every moment he is not working. He is in my space, but does not take it up. He feels like an extension of myself and I know he feels the same, the other way around. Fun and laughter is more so, with him, memories and talks of everyday topics are more intense having him to throw my opinions against.
Being with friends is double the enjoyment as we can share more. I am only more dependent than I should be, as I am a stranger to this country, (USA) and all that became familiar to me over my years in England, is gone. So, if the case arises that I suddenly find myself alone now, for whatever reason, I shall be experiencing something not known to me... I will be frightened, extremely frightened. But, I shall face it like a trouper and will keep hold of WHO I am, and not feel as if I am half of a person.
I truly hope something I have said here, will help someone who is going through relationship insecurities. I have suffered greatly, as some of you might have. I have lost two small daughters, on separate occasions, and who were adopted, due to circumstances with the vicious, alcoholic husband I was with. Peace meant going temporarily in a hostel for battered women, whilst pregnant with the second baby. Oh, too much grief to talk of here, but it is in my synopsis in my website, as I am writing my autobiography. If I can be of any consolation to someone who just wants a bit of reassurance, please write to me, man, woman or child. I hate to see unnecessary suffering and feel it my job to try and ease it in others, if I possibly can. There is no other reason for the life I have led otherwise.
If your concern is personal, send a message through my 'contact' in the menu bar here, do not make a comment to this blog with your problem, as it will be on public view, unless, you do not mind that.
Otherwise, if you want to stay anonymous, you can go into my website forum, where you can sign in free, (all email addresses are private) and can use an anonymous username in the forum. There you can make comments and others, as well as myself, will also be able to make their responses of advice or help.
I wish you the best and you should at least have peace of mind!